An Open Letter To My “Father” on Father’s Day

Deceptive. Manipulative. Controlling. Those are just a few of the words that could be used to describe you. I’m not going to go on a rant about your extensive character flaws since everybody who knows the truth about our relationship can figure those out. However, there are two words that I do want to say to you.

Thank you.

Thank you for teaching me a magnitude of things the hard way. Since I’m old enough to date, thank you for teaching me that I deserve to be with a man who’s going to treat me with love and respect instead of slapping me around and telling me that I’m not allowed to cry because it’s a sign of weakness.

Thank you for showing me the red flags of a controlling person and a potentially abusive relationship so that if I encounter a person of that nature, I can run before it’s too late.

Thank you for showing me that once I find said man who treats me with love and respect how NOT to raise my future children.

Thank you for showing me to be very careful and put a lot of deep thought into the person that I marry someday because if that person is a toxic one, (like you) my kids are going to be the ones who will suffer the consequences and I’ll be damned before I allow that to happen.

Thank you for teaching me how to use the comments and attitudes of my haters as motivation to work hard and pursue my dreams.

Thank you for teaching me that success doesn’t get handed down to you but you have to be headstrong and devoted to achieving your goals in life.

Thank you for showing me that I’m stronger than my circumstances and that what I’ve been through with you does not define me. I can’t help that you chose to put it out, but I’m not going to choke on your second-hand smoke.

I don’t want an apology because it would be empty. In addition, actions speak much louder than words and you’re too far gone for a second chance. Rather, I want you to know that I have learned, through your negativity, to see that little ray of sunshine peeking through the clouds. You didn’t raise me (thank God…) but even though you tried to pick me apart piece by piece on your visitation weekends, a strong woman came out of it. Believe me, the way I am today didn’t “just happen.” It took me years of counseling, mental hospital stays (and yes, suicide attempts), pushing people away because I didn’t know how to treat them and a group of people staying by my side through my childhood and adolescent years to show me the right way to do things.

So I guess I can sum this up by saying that, even though I used to resent you for throwing me out of your life when I was 11, that was the best gift that you could’ve ever given me because, at that moment, you allowed others to come into my life and help me repair the pieces that you broke.  Thank you for stepping aside and allowing me to become the person I am today.

Sincerely,

Caitie

Laughs From The Archives

Wow! My apologies for not posting for a while! I thought I’d dig through the archives of my Facebook posts and give y’all a laugh today. (On a side note, the picture above is of me and my brother back in 2006.)

  1. September 8, 2016

My (at the time) 3-year-old sister: “Caitie?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Her: “I’m gonna call you Caitie….and Sissy.”

Me: “Um…okay?”

Her: “And Mommy!”

Me: “What? I’m not your Mama. Stick with Caitie and Sissy.”

Her: “But I love you!”

 

2. May 17, 2016

Me: “Hey, do you want me to teach you how to play the piano once I know what I’m doing?”

Sister: “Yeah!”

Me: “Mmk, give me a few years. Once you know what you’re doing, you can accompany me on the Chaminade Concertino and-”

Her: “Gasps with a smile on her face*

Me: “Um, you’d have to do it whenever I ask you to ’cause ya know, you’re my obligated sister.” (Obviously, I was joking)

Her: “That’d be wonderful!”

*A few minutes later*

Her: “I need some lip gloss!”

Me: “Um, okay?”

Her: “I need it for da stage!” (‘Cause I’d picked up a couple things for my orchestra concert that day.)”

*I bust out laughing*

*She climbs up into my lap and rubs my back*

Her: “I love you, Sissy. You’re my best friend.”

 

3. May 15, 2017

My brother wants to be either a mechanical or structural engineer.

Me: “Pleeeeeeease do structural so that I can give you ideas for the sickest roller coaster ever and you can do all of the hydraulic crap.”

Bro: “I’ll consider that, but not just so you can mooch off of my labor.”

Me: “I’m not mooching! I’m giving you motivation to not screw up because if I get stuck on the coaster, especially upside down, I’d know who to sue!”

Bro: “Thanks for the dream kill.”

Me: “Hey, if you were going to be a pilot then I’d be mooching by flying standby!”

Bro: “And that’s why I’m not going to be a pilot. Well, that and because I’m afraid of heights.”

Me: “Whatever.”

 

4. February 24, 2017

Me *Screaming* “(Bro’s name here)!!!”

Bro: “WHAT?!?!”

Me: “COME KILL THIS SPIDER!”

Bro: “Oh, Geez.”

*He comes into my room and the spider decides to crawl under my bed*

Me: “Oh **** no!

Bro: “What?”

Me: “It’s under my freaking bed! Thank God Orkin (pest control for the problem we had with carpenter ants) is coming today!”

*We wait it out and the spider finally dies*

Bro: “Got ’em. I crushed it as hard as I could in this paper towel.”

Me: “Dude, why didn’t you get toilet paper so we could flush that sucker down the toilet?”

Bro: “Because paper towel is bigger.”

Me: “…..Good point. Thanks for killing that 8 legged spawn of Spider Man.”

Bro: “First of all, Spider Man has nothing to do with spiders. Second of all, I feel bad because the dead spider looks like Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web.”

Me: “No it doesn’t! Charlotte was a tarantula or something like that and if one of those was in the house, I’d loose it and end up with arson charges!”

Bro: *shakes his head* “Seriously, if you marry an exterminator someday, I’ll be happy.”

 

5. February 13, 2017

A girl that I was babysitting: “I think life is a lot easier with the internet.”

Me: “Yeah, but Google can’t teach you about facts of life.”

Girl: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well…unless you’ve had the life experience, you wouldn’t know that eating Captain Crunch is a game with time. If you eat it too soon after pouring milk on it, it feels like your cheeks are being ripped open. If you eat the cereal too late after pouring milk on, it’s like eating the soggy dog food that made it into the water bowl.”

Girl: “……I didn’t know that.”

 

6. October 14, 2016

*I walk upstairs sleep deprived*

Me: “Where’s dad?”

Bro: “Um…He’s at work.”

Me: “What? Since when does he work on a Saturday?”

Bro: “It’s Friday, genius.”

Me: “Oh crap it is Friday……because yesterday was…..Thursday.”

Bro: *Sarcastically claps*

Me: “Shut up.”

 

7. February 2, 2017

Convo between a little boy and I while we were playing with his trains:

Me: “What was that noise?”

Boy: “I’m building a choo choo, Kay Kay” (He couldn’t say Caitie, so he called me Kay Kay)

Me: “Okay, but what was the noise?”

Boy: “Just me!”

Me: *laughs” “I know it was you, but where did it come from?”

Boy: “It’s ok. It was just a song from my butt.”

Me: *choke back a laugh* “Okay.”

 

8. October 16, 2016

*Relaxing a day before my birthday and my brother farts on my leg.*

Me: “I really can’t believe that you just farted on my leg.”

Bro: “When ya gotta go, ya gotta go.”

Me: “Not on my leg! And a day before my birthday, too? That is not a birthday present.”

Bro: “What? I’m back up in case you need help blowing out the candles.”

 

You Know You Work With Kids When…

1) You put the baby down and think he’s crying but it’s just the movie that the other kids are watching.

2) You change a wet diaper just for the baby to poop five minutes later.

3) You become desensitized to hearing the “Frozen Soundtrack” on repeat all day.

4) You’re not phased by somebody else’s toddler calling you “mama.”

5) You simply tune out the “bathroom humor.”

6) You see a puddle on the bathroom floor and question whether it came from the sink or if somebody had an accident.

7) You laugh when the baby sneezes during lunch time and spits pineapple and mango baby food on you.

8)  You feel like an expert at using reverse psychology.

9) Sometimes your job gives you baby fever and other times it is natural birth control.

10) You can make a toy made for a two-year-old entertain you for fifteen minutes.

11) You receive paper filled with scribbles as gifts yet you still treasure it.

12) You use a “baby talk” voice when you’re addressing the first adult that you’ve talked to all day.

13) There are times that you try not to laugh when giving correction to a child who has misbehaved.

14) Silence is great for a few minutes but becomes a warning sign if it lasts for more than five.

15) You see a toy or craft idea at the grocery store and contemplate buying it.

16) Your clothes are as dirty as the kids’ at the end of the day.

17) You don’t wear necklaces to work because it’ll end up broken and/or in the baby’s mouth.

18) You consider buying teething gel when you have a toothache.

19) Running out of a child’s favorite snack seems like it should be national news.

20)…But you still love it even on days that are hard.

 

Reasons Why NOT To Watch 13 Reasons Why

Maybe I’m a hypocrite for telling other people to not considering I have, but let me tell you why this show shouldn’t be on your watch list. I understand that you may disagree with me and I completely respect and understand that. I feel like everybody interprets the show differently and it might mean something different to me than it does to you.

1. 13 Reasons Why glorifies and dramatizes suicide for entertainment.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very intriguing show and I think the intent is to raise awareness which isn’t a negative thing at all. However, If you’ve been in Hannah’s spot, you know what it feels like to need to be heard, that maybe if you just make people feel bad enough, they will feel horrible and you will feel better. But the reality is, until you become the new tragedy, people don’t wake up. Suicide is painful and excruciating to everyone affected; not something to get entertainment from.

2. 13 Reasons Why pushes the idea that love could beat mental illness.

Reality: If Cly Jensen came out with his love for her, there’s no promise that Hannah’s life would be better off. Mental illnesses aren’t something that get better when someone cares about you. Granted, you may not feel as alone or as abandoned, but depression and anxiety aren’t immediately fixed by someone being there. Sorry that’s not romantic enough.

3. 13 Reasons Why can be a major trigger to people going through or already battling with depression.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve beat suicide attempts, but it’s amazing how after even a couple episodes, I found myself thinking some rough and rather disturbing thoughts. That maybe you could get justice and people would feel what you feel. Why would you put yourself through that?

4. Suicide should not be an entertainment topic.

Again, I think the goal is to raise awareness and I fully support that, but many people on social media are buzzing about this show like it’s keeping up with the Kardashians or a new season of Pretty Little Liars. The only thing it should make you want to do is re-think how you treat others and maybe you should stand up when bullying, abuse, and mistreatment happens around you. It is so disturbing to me that this would be a topic of shallow conversations.

5. 13 Reasons Why focuses more on vengeance than closure.

You watch Cly battle to reveal the truth through every episode and Hannah’s parents are trying to come up with the reasons and the ability to understand why their daughter committed suicide. You see the people who damaged Hannah and hurt her, both intentionally and unintentionally, go through hell because they’re trying to figure out what went wrong. Of course, they don’t deserve it, but it doesn’t fix anything either.

6. Pain, loneliness, and bullying do not validate taking your life.

I understand that you don’t realize that when the mouth of depression is swallowing you (believe me, I do) but a show like that when you are looking for reasons to take your own life just helps you find them. I’m not even suicidal anymore, but I find myself looking back and coming up with adequate reasons I could have given to make more attempts than what I did. Stop giving people reasons. Stop taking that pain and saying “yeah maybe we can understand why you want to kill yourself”. It should never be an option, never be okay, never be alright. But instead, we are watching television shows where this brutal pain is put on display to validate these reasons. It’s not okay, end of story.

I believe we should tell more stories. I believe we should let society know that what we do, what say, and how we treat people can affect the outcome of some of these life-threatening battles, but this is not the way to successfully do it.

When Mother’s Day Is Filled With Sorrow…

….It hurts.

When you think of Mother’s Day, it causes emotions for everybody. You might call your mom and tell her how much you love and appreciate her and it might be a day filled with joy. On the contrary, this day might be a day filled with sorrow if your mother has passed away. If that’s what this holiday is for you, please accept my deepest sympathy. If you’re a woman who has suffered the pain of losing a child and/or is dealing with infertility, my heart goes out to you as well.

While Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate your mom, I don’t feel like people pay attention to the child’s view of what this day means to them. What about the children who are in foster care or are adopted? What about the children in orphanages? What about the children who have parents, but don’t have a healthy example of what a mother is? What does this day look like for them?

I’m here to tell you that YOU ARE LOVED and that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! As hard as it is to realize that, I assure you that other people have gone through similar walks of life and can empathize with your pain. I praise God that I found my example of that and I pray that you do as well.

To the child in foster care…

I can’t imagine how hard it must be to bounce from home to home and not have the stability of having the same parents. I understand that it’s a very touchy subject, but if you are one of the children who is being abused in your foster home, please reach out for help. Any adult at school or a religious leader would be a great place to start. I know that it will be very difficult to ask for help, but please know that your situation is not your fault and that you deserve to have a beautiful and fulfilling life. If you’re someone who was blessed by your foster parents in terms of having support and love, then I rejoice with you on this day and hope that you continue to have peace and joy in your life.

To the child that is adopted…

Isn’t it amazing how your mom loves you as if you were her own biological child? I understand that you might resent your biological parents for giving you up, but please understand that your mom and/or dad most likely did it out of love. They recognized that you deserved a life that they felt like they couldn’t provide so they gave you to somebody that they knew could. If your mom or both your mom and dad gave you up simply because you weren’t wanted, then I can understand how you are hurt by that. However, you ended up with (a) wonderful parent(s) who love you more than you could know and I encourage you to seek comfort in that.

To the child who is in an orphanage….

Wow. I can’t fathom the pain and difficulty that comes with waiting for a loving home. I don’t really know what to say because I haven’t ever seen an orphanage or have known someone from one, but as difficult as it is, please have faith in whatever God you believe in that you will one day have a family. While you might, unfortunately, age out of the system, please know that you can build a healthy life for yourself. It will take lots of hard work and dedication, but use your circumstances as motivation to keep moving forward.

To the child who has been abused…

I’ve been there and I understand that it takes years to move past the pain and bitterness that abuse causes in your heart (I’m still not completely there). For me personally, it was my biological father that abused me and I used to hate my mom for having a baby (me) with him! Please know that while you can’t change the past, things will get better for you. When you are ready to, I encourage you to use your pain and experiences to help people going through what you did because the support that I found while I was going through my years of being abused is what kept me sane.

To the child that is feeling unloved in their own home…

…That’s my life right now. My parents aren’t abusive but I don’t feel like they’re good emotional support. However, I think that I just think about and go about life in such a different way than they do that it causes tension and failing expectations. This, in turn, results in unnecessary drama and bitterness. As hard as it is to do, be the bigger person and do what you need to do to not add fuel to the fire.

No matter what your story is, if Mother’s Day is a difficult and depressing day for you, I encourage you to seek advice and comfort from people who have gone through similar struggles. If you’re religious, turn to God (which I will admit is something that I need to work on) and try to flip the negative into a positive. For me, that would be that I have learned, very early on, how I DO NOT want to parent my future children. Your story is not wasted and you are not worthless. When you’re sobbing late at night because you’re feeling helpless and catch a glimpse in the mirror and wonder how it got to this point…please understand that while you’re feeling like you’re about to snap and lose your mind, the love of God, which you have received by pure grace will comfort you if you ask for it. You might ask, “If this thing called God is so loving and graceful, then why does pain and sorrow even exist in the first place?” Well, the world wasn’t supposed to be this way, but when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, the path that the human race was supposed to walk changed dramatically. That instance changed the life of humanity for eternity and therefore, we live in a “fallen world” so to speak. Even though that sounds tragic, please remember that, if you are a believer in the Lord, you are saved by grace and not by works. Even if you’re not religious, your story is not wasted, but rather a testimony of triumph when you overcome the struggles that come with the emotions and circumstances that write your story.

Fake Love, True Love

 

I get it. It’s normal to have conflicts with your friends and family from time to time. You might say things that you regret and feelings might become hurt. But, at what point, is someone toxic to you? When does the question of whether this is a simple disagreement or whether this is a toxic relationship come into play? How can you tell the difference between fake love and true love?

I could just start quoting 1 Corinthians chapter 13 where the Bible says that “Love is patient, kind, etc” and while I feel like that is great food for thought, how are you supposed to apply that to real life?

Names will not be mentioned as I feel there’s a fine line between using your experiences to help others and putting your business out there. However, I’m sure you will still get the basic idea.

Like most people my age, I still have contact with my childhood friends. Some are near and dear to my heart and some I have drifted away from. Unfortunately, I grew to trust someone who I shouldn’t have and now this “friend” is dragging my name through the mud. Granted, I feel this happens to most people in life, but how do you move on? How do you make sure you still have your reputation? How do you respond to this fake love?

I have the simple answer, but it’s harder than it seems. The answer is….If someone wants to walk away from you, let them go. If they’re using their bitterness toward you to fuel their spiteful actions, don’t let it get to you. Try to be as distant as possible. I know it’s so hard because you feel the need to defend yourself, but guess what? The people who are your real friends and family, the people who exemplify true love will stand by your side.

I once saw a clip from Madea (A fictional character played by Tyler Perry) that said something along the following lines that I feel rings true to the point of this post:  “You see, you are like a tree. Some of your friends are leaves. They’re with you for a short while but then fall away from you when you don’t need them. Some are like branches. They’re sturdy but break under enough pressure and force. Others are like roots….they provide what you need and they give you strength. If you can find the roots in your life, hold on to them, but let the leaves and branches fall because you will be better off.”

When you see that what you thought was a rose turn out to be a thorn, hold on to your self-worth and dignity. Be a root to other trees and help them through struggles that you went through. At the end of the day, let the fake love roll off of your shoulders and cherish the ones who give you the true love that you deserve.

Welcome To My Blog!

This is the post excerpt.

Hello from the United States Of America! My name is Caitie and anybody who knows me will tell you that I use humor at (in)appropriate times to get through this crazy thing called life. In addition, I have been told that I am very and perceptive and I would like to share that with you guys!

If you’re wondering how the name came about, I wrote my first post (Fake Love, True Love) while I was going through a rough time. I’m not a meteorologist so I don’t know how to predict the storms, and even if I was, I would probably predict wrong. Therefore, I would be an imbecilic meteorologist.

If you have a topic that you would like me to write about, please feel free to comment on any of my posts!

post